Brave Face

Bad times… Over the last 7 days I have spent 3 of those on the sofa and the rest feeling like I have needed to run to the loo every 5 minutes. An elephant is weighing me down plus a very large hippo, oh, and my heavy heavy heart. I’m trying so hard to be brave, to get on and accept that I’m really ill and just try and cope with the only movement being back and forth from the bathroom or just really REALLY needing it. It is 9:23am and already I have visited my good old friend the loo 8 times this morning, hmm, maybe too much information for you. I’m sure that this is how an elderly person must feel when their bowels start becoming uncontrollable. I am a bag of ailments! My back aches, my eyes are sore, my joints are practically creaking, my whole body feels completely old and broken!
However, at the same time that this horrible illness inhabits me some very exciting things have been happening to go with my whole Ying and Yang theory. A few days ago I had my first full rehearsal with the BBC Concert Orchestra! Some near accidents before the rehearsal began but once I had located the lovely private disabled toilet and made excellent friends with it all was good :) Playing with this orchestra is incredible and even better I’m working for the concert of a lifetime… A Prom in the Royal Albert Hall! I think it’s safe to say that I have wanted to play in the Proms for as long as I can remember! It’s an amazing opportunity for me and I’m loving it.

Only problem is my sodding tummy, dear God I hope it holds out on the night! I remember when I was little and I’d put my hand up at school  in class and ask to go to the loo, imagine it now, if a stern unsympathetic face were to look back at me and say no, I think I’d probably just rather die! There is a part of me that wants to stop time, say enough, and crawl into a hole (preferably one that has a soft, warm bed and a luxury loo) and just cancel all my work, ignore everyone and everything and just sleep! I sometimes find when something I’m doing is completely absorbing it can manage to help me forget a problem, but not this, urgh! The constant reminder when my stomach is in knots and and that overwhelming urge hits me. My legs go numb, beads of sweat prickle my brow, my lips go dry and I’m sure I must look a shade of green.
I look around the orchestra on day 3 of rehearsals, feeling so low, so tired and I look into people faces and realise that so many of us wear a brave face to hide whats really going on. No one knows how poorly I am today, I smile, I laugh, I try, I try so hard. I suppose it is comforting to remind myself that everyone has a cross to bear and that I’m not alone even when it really REALLY feels like it.

One Response to “Brave Face”

  1. Mummy Says:

    I really do feel for you as I read this. What an incredibly brave girl you are.
    I love you so.
    M xx

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