Fear and Disappointment.

I am the first to hold my hand up and admit that I am scared of so many things in my life. I don’t mean that I’m so afraid I can’t live the way I want to but I am definitely fearful that something might go wrong that will change the course of my future forever.

I had a really difficult time 3 weeks ago as it turned out that doing 7-8 hours of violin practise every day wasn’t really doing me any favours! I pulled a muscle in my left shoulder, which, 2 days before the biggest audition of my life so far wasn’t exactly on my agenda! I had to completely take the day off and after a serious seeing to by a fantastic physio I’m pleased to report that I’m back in business again. It did seriously get me thinking though, a whole day not being able to play meant I had a lot of time to twiddle my thumbs. A massive wave of pure fear came over me at the prospect of having such a serious injury that would prevent me from ever playing again. I felt sick at the very idea. I have friends and colleagues who have suffered with playing injuries, their rugs are completely pulled out from underneath them and it is just too awful for words.

The audition in the end went really well, serious nerves involving a dry mouth, sweaty palms, heart beating at a million mph, 4 runs to the loo before 11am! It’s all good! I put in such an enormous amount of work and unfortunately I didn’t even get a look in. It really is such a horrible environment doing auditions, you’re expected to be a performing monkey and present yourself as best you can in the given time. The warm up room had sounds of other violinists all scraping around coming at me from every angle. A huge pressure to play exactly perfectly and aim for perfection! Of course that’s pretty damn near impossible but I think I did myself proud and that’s all that should really matter in the end, isn’t it?

Honestly, I’m totally gutted, deeply disappointed and terrified that I have no control over anything.

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